Lack of maternal love: late effects in adulthood

Lack of motherly love: Where does it come from?

Mothers who do not love their children. That sounds wrong and cruel. We immediately create images in our minds of women who abuse their offspring – physically or emotionally. However, experts warn against such associations. These are usually terrible extreme examples, which, however, tend to remain the exception.

In fact, the phenomenon of a lack of motherly love is more widespread than one might assume. Most of the time, women who do not feel motherly love have a serious mental illness or even a personality disorder. They are certainly capable of love, but also vulnerable and literally overwhelmed by the responsibility for their child.

As a result, they reach their psychological and physical limits and switch into emotional survival mode. This can create the feeling that unconditional motherly love is missing.

The reasons for a lack of motherly love are diverse

The reasons for a lack of motherly love can be diverse and must be examined individually. For example, if the mother herself did not experience love and affection in her childhood, it can happen that she passes on what she experienced to her child.

This usually happens unconsciously and generally when her own childhood trauma has not been psychologically treated. At the same time, however, this does not mean that women with a less loving mother will be exactly the same and will not feel any motherly love.

There can be other reasons why healthy and emotionally resilient women do not feel motherly love. If women experience childbirth as traumatic or not self-determined, it can happen that they try to distance themselves emotionally during and after delivery.

Also, in some mothers who, for example, give birth to a child who has to fight for survival immediately after delivery, a withdrawal of feelings can occur in order to protect themselves. A lack of motherly love can therefore be attributed to a wide variety of causes.

Postpartum depression: A widespread phenomenon

Other women, in turn, struggle with severe postpartum depression. They are often unable to respond empathetically to their child and suffer from deep sadness, anxiety, and indifference.

They feel guilty because they find it difficult to care for their child, struggle with their own expectations of being a perfect mother, and break down under their perceived failure.

Motherhood pushes them to the brink of mental and physical exhaustion. A crying little child then becomes an extreme stress factor that they want to stay away from. One strategy is to meet the child with emotional coldness so as not to have to build a bond as a primary caregiver.

If the mother is emotionally overwhelmed and possibly suffering from postpartum depression, then her trusted contacts should help her. A conversation with a midwife or even a therapist can help to understand and treat the depression.

Particularly colicky babies can push mothers to their limits. Our automatic baby hammocks have already helped over 130,000 families find peace.

The effects and long-term consequences of an emotionally cold mother

Parental love, tenderness, the feeling of warmth and care—these needs are among the so-called primal needs of children and remain a basic need for the most part in later life. If there is a lack of motherliness, this collides with the need for motherly love and can form the basis of a trauma.

From our very first breath, we humans need contact and affection, especially from our parents, in order to grow into self-confident personalities and to be able to show trust in our environment later on. If this is not the case, adults can still suffer from it.

Below, we have summarized the most common signs and consequences of a lack of motherly love.

The lack of self-esteem and self-confidence can also lead to the child often not saying "no" or being unable to set boundaries for themselves because they have a deep fear of rejection. This is accompanied by a strong sense of insecurity.

Behaviors that such children tend to exhibit include, for example, a tendency toward premature self-defense or rapid withdrawal from conflict situations. These children often isolate themselves quickly in everyday life and find it difficult to connect with others.

2: Loneliness

Keyword: Isolation. This is also a broad and not to be underestimated consequence of a lack of maternal love and parental affection in childhood. Social skills are usually less developed in the affected children, and so they hardly let anyone get close to them. The self-built emotional snail shell serves as a safe retreat, as the children feel that they are not loved anyway.

At the same time, neglected children often show little understanding for the feelings of other people. This can also lead to problems and conflicts in the social environment, which could be traced back to a lack of maternal love.

3: No trust and reservedness

If the child's basic trust is disturbed by a lack of maternal love, it is often difficult to build trust in other people later on. Affected children do not learn that people want to do something good for them.

They are often reserved, do not let others get close to them, and have a pronounced mistrust. Problems are usually dealt with internally and remain hidden from outsiders.

This can lead to relationship problems with fellow human beings, at the latest in adolescence and adulthood. For example, affected individuals often find it difficult to form close friendships or build intimate bonds. Anyone who has a narcissistic mother can therefore suffer from it for a lifetime.

4: Anxiety disorders

Love and care strengthen self-confidence. If this vital experience is missing, it can lead to excessive anxiety, anxiety disorders, and panic attacks even in childhood.

This pattern then usually continues into adulthood. Even simple and seemingly banal decisions and everyday situations cannot be resolved by affected persons.

This disproportionately large fear can even intensify over time with growing everyday challenges.

5: Lack of emotional control

When children grow up in a stable environment, they are taught through upbringing how to deal with their own feelings, but also the feelings of other people.

If this stability is lacking, many affected children find it difficult later in life to recognize their own emotions or to follow social norms.

This results in a lack of empathy. Likewise, impulsive outbursts and confrontations with the social environment can occur without any real reason.

This often leads to problems in school or in later professional and private life. A lack of maternal love in childhood can therefore also have a major impact on adults.

6: A tendency toward toxic relationships

A lack of maternal love has an enormous influence on later life and how relationships are entered into. For example, affected people who have had these negative experiences in childhood run the risk of repeating learned patterns later and, for example, entering into unhealthy relationships.

In the worst case, they allow themselves to be treated poorly by their partner or even mentally and/or physically abused. On the one hand, because they know no different from their childhood. On the other hand, because the lack of self-confidence makes them believe they deserve this poor treatment.

The consequences for children who grow up without maternal love can therefore be quite serious.

What are the consequences of a lack of maternal love into adulthood?

There can be many reasons for a lack of maternal love. The consequences and effects on the child, even in later adulthood, are far-reaching. This makes it all the more important for those affected to get help.

Because the good news for families is: Especially a birth trauma or postpartum depression can be treated with the right psychological support. Affected individuals only need to take the step of seeking help.