As soon as the offspring arrives, everything changes – including the relationship. The child takes center stage, and your own needs must now take a back seat. But when both parents focus almost exclusively on the child, your partnership is at risk. Suddenly you are no longer man and woman, but Mommy and Daddy.
For a while, this is completely natural. Especially in the first six months, the child is dependent on your full attention and devotion. This leaves little room for anything else. However, nerves can quickly become frayed – especially with colicky babies. In such cases, it makes sense to take turns caring for the child before one parent reaches a breaking point.
Partnership with a baby – Is it the end of desire and passion?
Far too often, relationships break down because parents fixate on their child to such an extent that years later they realize: we actually have nothing in common anymore except the children. Soon the children have flown the nest, and at the latest then it becomes clear: that's probably it. But this is not the child's fault, but rather because couples often approach their role as parents unprepared. They may have prepared meticulously for the care and upbringing of the child, but what lies ahead for them as individuals and as a couple has been criminally neglected. While no one can foresee in detail what life with a baby will be like, parents should nevertheless make a firm commitment from the outset not to lose sight of their togetherness completely. But both have to do something for that.
Excessive expectations
Far too often, inexperienced parents in particular have completely excessive expectations of themselves. The mother wants to return to her job as soon as possible. However, this only works if everything runs perfectly: household, family, career – everything has to be balanced. But this demand is hardly sustainable for most families. Without outside help, something inevitably falls by the wayside. And often enough, it is the partnership. In addition to work, childcare, and the household, there is simply hardly any capacity left for romance, togetherness, partnership, and deep conversations. Instead, the dominant topic of any exchange is diapers, breastfeeding, sleeping, etc.
Idealization
Having children is no longer the matter of course it was for our grandparents' generation. This has changed the perspective on pregnancy and child-rearing. Therefore, nowadays everything is planned down to the smallest detail, and once the offspring is there, everything simply revolves around the baby. The child moves to the center of the universe for mother and father. Since the mother wants to go back to work quite quickly, she tries to spend the time with the child as intensively as possible until then. To a certain extent, this is quite good and right.
However, it becomes problematic when the fixation becomes excessive. Then not only does the partnership fall by the wayside, but old friendships may also break down and hobbies are neglected. In the first few weeks after birth, a mutual retreat into isolation – a kind of "family cave" – is almost unavoidable. A newborn needs its parents unconditionally around the clock. But the critical phase is over after a few months. And then you as parents are actually allowed to think about yourselves again, to perceive and realize yourselves as individuals again – and to remember that you are a couple in love with a need for intimacy. There was something there once...
Creating space in your partnership
That is why it is so important for parents to create space for themselves. Once the baby reaches a certain age, usually between six months and a year, you can gently begin to focus more on yourselves again. Children should learn early on that their parents are also people who have their own needs, and that the children's concerns cannot always be fulfilled, and not always immediately. You can therefore feel free to hand your baby over to others for a short period of time. The earlier you start, the easier it will be. This also gets the little one used to other people and ensures they are not exclusively fixed on one or two people. As long as you maintain a healthy balance, this has nothing to do with "pushing the child away" or "passing them around." If the grandparents live nearby, there is no reason not to leave the baby in their care once a week for a few hours. This is also quite possible with breastfed children. Then it might just be for two hours or with a bottle full of expressed milk. If no grandparents are available, you could alternatively think about a surrogate grandma or a babysitter. At the beginning, such a step may be difficult for you, but you will quickly realize how relieving it is to know the baby is in good hands and to be allowed to hand over responsibility for a short time.
Rediscover each other
Use the free time for hours together. At the beginning, it might only be enough for a quick cup of coffee, but as the child gets older and more independent, you might be able to leave them occasionally for an entire evening or a weekend. When you turn your gaze away from the child for a moment and toward your partner, you will recognize the person you fell in love with again. Instead of just being a cog in the relationship machine, which is how you may have often perceived yourselves lately, you become living, thinking, and feeling individuals again who have decided to go through life together. If you treat yourselves to regular time as a couple and then go out again, for example to the cinema, your favorite restaurant, or a trendy club, not only will the spark return between you – it also gives you strength for the next turbulent phase with a child and strengthens your relationship. It also strengthens you as a team in everyday baby life and, above all, creates an even more loving environment for the child. It may be a bit tricky to find the right balance, but you have already achieved so much – you can do this too!
Conclusion
As beautiful and exciting as it is to have children: they should not permanently become the center of your life, making everything else fade away completely. You also need time and attention for yourselves – as individuals and as a couple. If you only see each other as parents (and possibly even only address each other as "Mom" or "Dad"), you will be left with nothing when the children leave the house. In the worst case, it is then too late to remember what once made your relationship special. Create spaces where your love can breathe, and do not focus your attention solely on the child after the first critical period. This creates an environment saturated with love. Everyone can only benefit from this – especially your child!
The swing2sleep team wishes you many intimate hours – as a couple and as a whole family!
By the way
With the automatic baby hammock from swing2sleep, you can also take a deep breath in the middle of baby stress. The gentle up and down bouncing of the automatic baby hammock and the cozy closeness transport your baby back to the security of the womb. This allows them to slumber peacefully – and you have a little time for yourselves!
