Raising children: When the child decides

Parents raise their children. That much is clear. But is that really always the case? While all parents probably resolve before birth never to let themselves be blackmailed by their offspring, these good intentions for child-rearing crumble all too quickly in everyday parenting life.

Child-rearing: Who is actually raising whom?::/H2

When the child screams vehemently for sweets in the supermarket, when they sleep in the parents' bed until they start school, when they determine the daily routine until they are of age, or when their every wish is anticipated – things like that only happen to other people...

Really?

Let's be honest: In truth, it's not that easy to keep the upper hand as parents.

Children have the say – and much more often than you think

According to experts, in many cases it is even the case that parents are no longer raising their children, but the children are turning the tables more or less unnoticed and suddenly have the say themselves. From a certain age, children are true masters of manipulation. Even toddlers succeed in various ways in getting their way, completely winning over Mom and Dad, gaining attention and setting the tone. This even goes so far that children observe the behavior of their parents very closely and draw conclusions about exactly how they tick. From this, they derive which strategies they can use to get their way in individual cases. Pretty smart, right?

Even babies have fine antennae

Even babies are absolute masters in this discipline. A baby learns quickly that Mom comes rushing to take care of them when they cry intensely. They realize that it is very easy to draw parental attention to themselves. The reason why mothers in particular react promptly when the baby cries is easily explained and completely logical from an evolutionary perspective: During birth, the female hormone estrogen as well as oxytocin and endorphins are released. This hormonal cocktail ensures particularly intimate feelings and an intensive bond with the child. The result: The mother reacts particularly sensitively to sounds from her child.

When does spoiling become critical?

However, this by no means implies that even infants are already manipulatively pulling their parents' strings. Only at the age of 3 or 4 are children capable of thinking abstractly enough to succeed in such manipulation at all. At that age, they learn that other people have needs, that their actions can trigger responses in others, and how to lie to or deceive someone. It is true: babies learn quickly that Mom jumps when they cry. But in the early days, that is a good thing. It helps the child build basic trust and signals to them that their fears, needs, and requirements are being taken seriously. That is why mothers should definitely follow their instinct and react to baby's crying.

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Spoiling or not…?

The needs of babies should not be put on the back burner, but should come first and always be taken seriously. Babies do not have the calculation to want to annoy their parents. They are not yet cognitively capable of doing so. Needs of babies such as closeness, love, warmth, food or sleep should be met immediately because babies do not yet understand when they have to wait for attention. The few needs that babies have are basic needs! They are existential and only if they are met will your baby feel loved and important. Only then can it develop self-confidence. That is why you as parents should always satisfy the needs as promptly as possible. It cannot be emphasized often enough: You cannot spoil babies!

As the child gets older, from the age of about 1 year, a little skepticism on the part of the parents is certainly appropriate.

When the offspring then throws themselves angrily on the floor in front of the candy shelf in the supermarket as a toddler, they very much want to test their limits. And at this age at the latest, parents can start to make it clear to their offspring that they are not the center of the world, that their needs can wait and that they, the parents, also have needs that sometimes perhaps even collide with those of the child. And that is exactly what the offspring must endure. In short, that is exactly what upbringing is. Upbringing is never easy – we probably all know that.

Expectations and reality don't always align 

All the ambitious parenting goals you set for yourself when the baby isn't even born yet or is still very small are not so easily implemented. The resolutions mentioned at the beginning, the unwavering intention to never let the child push you around, probably go up in smoke for the vast majority of parents quite early on. Children also already have their own will and their individual personality.

As an outsider, especially without children, you imagine things to be too simple if you believe you would never let your own children get away with certain behaviors. But here, too, firsthand experience can lead to a fundamental change in perspective. There are probably no parents who can honestly claim to always and everywhere act consistently and educationally valuable without exception. 

Conclusion

In the first nine months of life, you can and should spoil your baby to their heart's content without a guilty conscience. However, as soon as they reach a certain age, the rule must be: You raise your child – not the other way around! Basically, you are in charge and set the direction – there can and may be small exceptions, but it should not go so far that your child calls the shots.

The art of parenting also lies in recognizing when this is about to happen and then countersteering so gently or skillfully that a good compromise for everyone involved arises. Your child is an independent personality. They should experience early on that while their wishes are important, those of other family members are too. They must learn to step back sometimes and make compromises. Most importantly, however, your child should feel loved, valued, and empowered even when you are calling the shots and not always giving in to them.