Were there actually high-need babies in the past? Did our mothers and grandmothers have the same problems as we do? Yes, they probably did. But presumably, people just dealt with it differently back then. Only a few decades ago, parenting ideals were completely different from today. A high-need baby would have simply been left to cry. Not out of cruelty, but because parents were convinced it would do their child good.
Hard times for high-need babies: Letting them cry for stronger lungs
A few decades ago, the life shared between baby and mother was quite different. Back then, people just had babies. Nowadays, the matter of offspring tends to be planned down to the last detail. And then everything is expected to run like clockwork. This isn't meant to be an affront, but Grandma probably worried about far fewer things than we do today. If the baby cried, then that was just how it was. This is not to say, of course, that you should let your baby cry. Babies simply grew up differently a few decades ago than they do today.
In the past, it was said that crying strengthens the lungs. Accordingly, babies were simply left to cry. Alone. Back then, the findings and knowledge about the consequences of letting a baby cry were not known.
28 tips for soothing your high-need baby
Of course, some babies cried more than others back then too, but because of the extended families that were still common in the past, someone was always looking after the offspring. Today, on the other hand, everything usually falls on the parents – and often even exclusively on the mother.
Letting babies cry – why it was so common in the past
Anyone who lets their baby cry today is considered heartless and rigorous. Nevertheless, there may still be the odd grandparent who believes they need to interfere here. And they have brought some dubious tips with them from their time:
"Just let it cry for once. That strengthens the lungs!" or "If you run to your baby at every little sound, you're only spoiling it. Letting it cry a little can't hurt".
Fortunately, however, the days of letting them cry are finally over!
Nowadays, we know better. If you let a baby cry, they cannot develop basic trust in their parents. How could they, when they are simply left alone in minutes of greatest distress? Unintentionally, their parents are sending them the following message: "You are not important to us. You have to deal with worries or pain on your own." Yet it is so important that especially the smallest citizens of the world get to feel security and lots of love. They need to know that there is always someone there who takes care of them, looks after them, and takes their needs seriously.
If you let the baby cry, they start to doubt themselves. They simply feel unimportant and, of course, unloved as well. With fatal consequences.
Love and attention are basic needs just like food. If children do not receive enough of them, it will lead to problems in their later development. Attachment disorders, insecurity, and numerous other psychological disorders would be the consequences of such social neglect.
The beaten generation
Just half a century ago, times were very different than they are today. Corporal punishment was common practice. Even in school, teachers were allowed to hit students if necessary. Physical punishment was an absolutely legitimate means of raising offspring. We can be glad that these times are over and that we know better today: hitting is humiliating for the child and takes away a piece of their dignity. Adults who were hit as children often hit their own children because that was the example set for them. It is similar with letting a baby cry. Parents back then believed they were doing the best for their child.
At that time, there were various parenting guides that recommended not being too squeamish with the baby, having no pity for them when they cry, and of course not "coddling" them through too much physical contact.
The turning point came only at the end of the 60s, when anti-authoritarian education took hold. At the same time, the baby wrap became popular in America – a trend that reached Germany shortly thereafter. Many parents discovered that their babies are significantly calmer and more content companions when they are carried close to the body. This makes sense when you know that human babies are carried young. Mother Nature has designed it so that babies should be carried a lot by their mothers. In many other countries around the world, this is a matter of course, but here in the Western world, the clocks tick a little differently.
Parenting balancing act between strict
and anti-authoritarian
Raising a child is a tightrope walk that involves allowing the child to develop freely on the one hand, and showing them boundaries, conveying values, and teaching skills on the other. While excessive strictness, lack of affection, and corporal punishment harm the child, you also do the child no favors with excessive laissez-faire. Here too, the golden middle ground is probably the right one.
However, these questions only come into play from the age of about 2 years. Before that, one can hardly speak of parenting. A baby simply has needs that must be met: eating, sleeping, and physical closeness to the parents. And it has only one way to draw attention to the fact that something is missing, that it is in pain, or that the new environment is frightening: It can cry - nothing more. You must take this seriously: Be there, hold them tight, talk to them, and listen to them. That way, they at least do not feel left alone in their sorrow.
For mothers, by the way, it is a completely natural reflex to react to their baby's crying and not to ignore it. This is an essential and vital part of early childhood communication. Babies who cry need help and draw attention to themselves in this way. The fact that parents, especially the mother, do not simply ignore this, but react to it immediately, is actually the most normal thing in the world.
Accepting help
If you have a colicky baby who cries excessively, you should accept every bit of help offered to you! You don't need to be embarrassed. On the contrary, it shows that you can assess your limits and act responsibly. Your child will also benefit, especially when you are at your wit's end and on the verge of shouting at them or – even worse – shaking them. So if grandma, grandpa, or a friend offers to look after the child, don't think twice, even if it's only for an hour!
How are you doing? Are you looking after your baby all by yourself or do you also have support from the family?
