High demands on yourself and the baby
Surprisingly, just a few decades ago, cry babies were virtually unknown. And even in many countries that are less industrially developed, we hear almost nothing about this phenomenon. Sure, babies sometimes cry, but nobody there would talk about cry babies. The fact that sensory overload - one of the most common reasons why babies cry excessively - could play a role here, this problem is also less pronounced in countries that are considered to have a lower level of industrialization.
However, another aspect also plays a major role: the ever-increasing expectations and demands we place on ourselves.
Perfectionism - the perfect family
Nowadays, you can almost get the impression that babies are no longer a natural occurrence in this country. In the past, it was almost set in stone: first the wedding, and then the children come all by themselves. Instead, pregnancy, birth and raising children have become something like projects. Everything is planned and organized down to the last detail. What's more, couples today wait until a baby is perfectly compatible with their career.
Only when everything is under wraps, when both their careers have progressed as desired, would a baby be the icing on the cake of a picture-book CV. Having a child is idealized. This sometimes leads to unrealistic expectations.
After a short time, the baby goes to nursery so that the mother can go back to work, who also manages the household, cultivates her hobbies, goes to sport and, of course, continues to be successful in her job.
These demands only partly come from outside. First and foremost, it is the parents themselves who set themselves high goals, but also have high expectations of the child.
The wishful thinking of an untroubled family happiness, in which everything is just a little bit more perfect and in which the baby simply enchants everyone, bursts like a soap bubble far too quickly when the child cries and cries.
This is not how you had imagined it. The baby was supposed to be a little bundle of joy that everyone loves and who sleeps a lot. Life was supposed to go on just as before, but with a child. It was supposed to be a happy power family that would master everything with ease. A picture-book family. But that's often not the case - quite the opposite.
A baby turns everything upside down
With such rigid expectations from a sitcom-influenced world of imagination, the child is born with a huge burden. Ideas are projected onto him or her, which either make him or her a dream child or a disappointment.
Experienced parents, on the other hand, know this: A child brings chaos into your life. Planning is pure wishful thinking. Accepting this will be a tough nut to crack for some, but it is the prerequisite for a mental agility that makes life easier. It allows you to accept the child as it is right from the start.
Nothing is as it was
However, it is not only the child that becomes a projection screen for the parents' hopes and expectations. The parents also overestimate themselves, or rather: they underestimate how much strength a child requires. Wanting to present a constantly tidy and clean apartment (or even a house!) despite the strain is pretty ambitious. Excessive demands and frustration are inevitable. It is a vital skill for parents to be able to let things slide from time to time. If the house isn't perfectly clean, it doesn't mean the world is coming to an end. When there's a baby, there are definitely more important things than the household. And the days when your home resembled a picture from Schöner Wohnen are over when you have a baby anyway.
Model family with a writing baby?
The balancing act between desire and reality is always difficult. Who wants to admit that their family isn't a perfect model family - whether it's because the baby is screaming all the time or the wall is covered in the remains of their offspring's latest tantrum, or because the carpet is full of stains and the bedroom is a mess of laundry. It can happen that there is no sweeping or vacuuming for weeks on end because the baby requires all the attention, or that mom doesn't look like she's been spruced up and sometimes even looks a little unkempt because she just doesn't get around to doing anything for herself. Who can talk lightly about the fact that the mood is irritable for weeks on end because mom and dad get far too little sleep, are constantly in a bad mood and are extremely thin-skinned as a result?
As unpleasant as such an admission may be, it doesn't help to lie further into your pocket in such a situation. Before you can solve a problem, you have to acknowledge it in the first place. And in fact, naming the problem can be part of the solution, especially if it goes hand in hand with the realization that it is completely normal at this stage.
So don't be so hard on yourself and burden yourself with additional burdens and feelings of guilt! Once your baby is here, it's important to put aside any perfectionism.
You will realize over the years: The question of whether you are good parents or not is not decided by whether you get your baby to rest or not. And if it's any consolation: Things don't always run smoothly in other families either, even if most of them do everything they can to present a perfect image to the outside world.
Who is perfect?
Is it even worth striving for perfection? Especially when the creation of supposed perfection requires particularly great sacrifices in terms of time and energy? After all, it's not about tidying the apartment once. Tidiness has to be maintained every day. Do you really want to do that to yourself? Nobody is saying that you should sink into dirt and disorder, but a bit of relaxation will ease the situation for everyone involved. It won't make the baby stop crying, but it will make things a lot easier for you.
Sincerely,
Kerstin from swing2sleep
