Equality in everyday life has been a constant topic between women and men for many years now, and in many relationships this may succeed more or less well. The household is done together, and both contribute to the income with their jobs. However, as soon as a baby arrives, the balancing act between work and family begins, mainly for moms. The permanent burden of care work, childcare, child-rearing, household, family life and partnership ensures that the number of mothers with exhaustion syndrome is rising.
Anyone who wants to fulfill too many roles at the same time quickly develops symptoms of an illness that was commonly known as manager's disease. Welcome to mom burnout. Every fifth mother recognizes the first signs of mother burnout in herself and is often far beyond her own limits of resilience. But what can you do to avoid getting burnt out? In this article, we show you how you can create small breaks in your everyday life.
Exhaustion due to pressure to perform as a mother: Mom burnout
According to studies, many moms certainly want more equality, but unconsciously sabotage its implementation by preferring to do many things themselves after all – due to misunderstandings, a lack of confidence and misunderstood maternal honor. The consequence of the multiple burden is often physical complaints and a state of chronic exhaustion.
Mom has everything under control
No matter how much you intend to divide parental duties fairly between you – especially in the first few weeks, it will probably be the mom who spends time with the child, especially if she is breastfeeding. But even later, it is more likely to be the mothers who have the overall overview. An appointment is coming up at the kindergarten? The next check-up at the pediatrician is just around the corner? Mental load can be quite burdensome. There is no question that men today are more involved in upbringing than ever before. How is it then that the majority of the responsibility for the child still rests with the woman?
One possible explanation could be that women feel more responsible for the child because they already built up a very concrete relationship with them during pregnancy. This makes it harder for them to switch off and let go. This in turn leads to fathers relying blindly on their partner. Since she obviously has the full overview and everything firmly under control, men have to think less. If they initially tried to get more involved and relieve the mother, they soon consciously or unconsciously withdraw into the role of a parental assistant.
Mothers have more contact with the child
Even if the man goes on paternity leave, it is usually the mom who spends significantly more time with the child. Since she has to go out into the fresh air with the baby anyway, she goes shopping at the same time. When the baby is sleeping, she takes care of the household in the meantime, she is at home anyway. This inevitably means that the household becomes her domain, simply because she is more directly involved than the part of the relationship that works outside the home.
Women also find it hard to let go
To make matters worse, many people find it difficult to let go and delegate responsibility. So today, women try not only to be successful professionally and earn money, they also have the expectation of themselves to be maximally there for the family and to have everything firmly under control in this area as well. There are surveys showing that even when both parents have an absolutely equal professional workload (e.g., through full-time working hours), the woman still spends up to three hours more per day on family and household tasks than the man. A grueling job with time and performance pressure. Those affected quickly feel irritable, have dark feelings and thoughts, and there is simply no energy left for self-care.
Mothers in particular often want to feel perfect. When this grows into a psychological need, it quickly leads to a claim of sole representation and the necessity for self-reassurance. In the process, everyone else, including one's own partner, is denied any major competence. In extreme cases, this culminates in the living out of role clichés that have actually been considered outdated for several decades. And often, those involved are not even aware of it. But the perfect mother does not exist.
Mental Overload
The mother not only takes over the family and household department, but also stands in the conflict between the role of mother and societal emancipatory expectations and demands on herself. To the outside world, decades of struggling for equality seem to have been wiped out in one fell swoop. The man goes out into the world again to work and fulfill himself, while the women take care of children. But how can this dilemma be overcome?
Less stress - ways out of mommy burnout
In this video by Silke Brandt, mommy burnout coach, you will learn the first 5 steps on the way out of the pressure of expectations and towards more serenity, lightness, and energy.
1. Name needs and feelings
It may be difficult, but there is no way around a clarifying conversation. If the mother feels overwhelmed, she should address this openly with her partner, and then both must look for solutions together. For example, it could be specifically clarified who takes on which task in everyday life, and does so independently. The father must learn to keep an eye on the important things, take them seriously, and take responsibility independently without relying on his partner.
The magic word is "No"
A mom is also allowed to say no. Setting boundaries is healthy. When women take on many additional burdens and often even offer their help unasked, a breakdown is practically pre-programmed. Many mothers feel responsible for so many things and are caught in multitasking, so that their own needs are hardly noticed anymore. Prioritizing others quickly brings you to your own limit.
Healthy selfishness
Naturally, after the birth of your children, the little human being comes first at first. Without the parents, especially the mother, it cannot survive. As parents, you are responsible for ensuring that the baby lacks nothing so that it can develop well physically and mentally. There is nothing wrong with that, and this is a time to get through together.However, quite a few women become so absorbed in this role that they see it as their sole purpose in life. They define themselves only as a mother and forget that they are a human being with their own needs. That is why it is so important for parents to remind themselves early on that you are independent individuals who bring children into the world and accompany them for a while so that they can lead their own, self-determined lives – just like you.
Take care of the most important resource for your child – yourself
Already during pregnancy, mothers should start taking care of themselves, being kind to themselves and getting more rest. No human being can be there exclusively for another person around the clock and not suffer burnout. The constant – and to a certain extent certainly justified – fuss over one's own baby makes many a mother forget that it might also do her good to take an extensive bath, do some sport, read a good book or treat herself to a massage. Yet these are important havens of peace from which you can draw strength for your everyday life in order to protect your mental health. Having a few hours to yourself is balm for the soul and simply has to be every now and then.
The right balance
It is important to find the right balance. For a while, there can be no compromises. The mandatory basic needs of your helpless child come first. It is about the right, the healthy amount of selfishness. Even if your child always comes first – directly afterwards comes you.
So that you have enough strength to master the truly exhausting everyday life with a baby, you absolutely must ensure that you create islands of calm that belong to you alone. Coordinate this with your partner, hire a babysitter or leave your baby with the grandparents every now and then. Even a single hour that you have all to yourself is worth its weight in gold! And you should never let anyone take that away from you – at any stage of growing up: infant, toddler, school child or teenager.
Yoga – a great way to relax
If you don't know how best to find some peace, or if you simply cannot properly relax at home, then why not try yoga. Yoga classes are available in almost every city, and the exercises give you an incredible amount of strength and calm. You have the practice session all to yourself and can draw new strength for everyday life from it. Many young mothers report that they have found yoga to be an ideal balance to the stressful daily routine with a baby and have been able to learn the right relaxation techniques.
More and more mothers and fathers at their limit - Overwhelm in the partnership
It cannot be denied: Everyday life as a parent demands a lot from both of you, especially when there are several children. It is as if your whole life is only determined by the children, and every day seems to produce a new long to-do list. There is a great danger that at some point you will only perceive each other as parents and no longer as loved and desirable partners. How many parents have to admit to themselves after a few years with a child that there is actually nothing left holding them together.
The best recipe for a successful partnership is to take time for each other every now and then. Just as each of you should treat yourselves to an hour or two a week just for yourselves, you also need space for your togetherness – just like before, before your baby arrived. If you take all this to heart and look after not only the well-being of your child but also yourselves and your partnership, this will ultimately benefit your child again because they will be raised by strong, happy, and loving parents.
Conclusion
It is of no use to anyone if you wear yourselves out to create a perfect facade on the outside while you are internally burnt out and empty. Therefore, make sure to nourish and express your joy of life so that you can pass it on to your child. Figuratively speaking, it is at least as important for the child as breast milk. Seeking help is no shame; your health insurance, your family doctor, or organizations like the Müttergenesungswerk can support you if you suspect you are suffering from burnout. In a health retreat or a mother-child retreat, you learn strategies against burning out, and many mothers have had good experiences with this.
With an automatic baby hammock from swing2sleep, you secure valuable moments of peace to take a breath and center yourself. It offers your child the security and comfort that lets them fall asleep and stay asleep relaxed, and provides you with a significant helping hand to stay true to yourself. Strengthened in this way, you can master the often stressful daily routine with a baby even better.
